Tales of the Parodyverse

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Tue Aug 08, 2006 at 10:46:57 am EDT
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Crisis on Infinite Parodyverses Part #14, Swift as the Wind!
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Previously we saw;

Thanks to Humdinger, Greg Dean and various heroes from several alternate Earths, five more Earths were brought into the Neververse. Now the Parodyverse/Satireverse/Technoverse/RGA/Nazi/Switch Sex/CB universes are all safe for now but the vibrations that separate them are slowing down. When they finally stop all seven worlds will destroy each other.
In saving the worlds, Leeta Trainor lost her Humdinger powers and her body has started to die. Nevertheless, she is still doing what she can to help organize a possible solution to the Crisis, along with her love Access and two survivors of other worlds, Dean and Soothsayer.

In the Neververse, all time is coexisting. There is a calming feeling, preventing too much damage across the Earths but sometimes the collective heroes of five worlds have to work together to keep the peace. The Neververse was a pocket dimension created from the Lurker’s life essence. It was a temporary solution until the Infinity Pencil could be used to save the universe permanently.
Count Armageddon and Brainattack have abducted villains from the seven Earths for some sinister purpose.

The Cowled Criminal has completely enslaved the universe called Earth Tricky. The Legionnaire known as Trickshot came from this world. He has not learned of his home world’s current fate but desires to return to it. The Cowled Criminal has traveled to Earth Tricky to supervise the construction of a weapon capable of destroying all of creation. His agents, Speedshark and Retcon Raider, have control over the Lair Legion of that Earth and have placed the beaten Parodyverse hero known as Swift at the center of the city for all to see. Tom Irving, otherwise known as Amazing Guy, is the only hero left and has decided to try to rescue Swift all on his own.

All of this happened in previous chapters of Crisis on Infinite Parodyverses.



Catch up at the Crisis on Infinite Parodyverses Web Page!







Crisis on Infinite Parodyverses Part #14, Swift as the Wind!






The United Technological Institute for Higher Purpose, located in central Arizona, U.S.A.
This spread out complex of learning was built in the year 2086 to house, modify and create many amazing inventions for the sole purpose of making the world a better place.
There are roughly 5,000 separate technological wonders from that future age stored on the 700 square mile complex.
Many organizations from the modern era would benefit greatly from just one of those many inventions.
The current time/space crisis has allowed for the perfect distraction so that just one organization could charge in at full power and steal as much future tech as possible.
The trouble is, three criminal organizations picked the very same day to pull off the heist.
Now the forces of B.A.L.D., HERPES, the Sinister Oriental Stereotypes (complete with their modern day version, the Ass Raping Ninjas) have all collided into one large war just outside the complex.
Twenty-foot B.A.L.D. robots fire at flying HERPES Sky-Craft. Ninjas and oriental martial arts fighters take on varied ground forces.
It is a crazy mess and the ultimate losers will be the scientists, guards and regular employees of the Institute.
At least that is what would happen, if it were not for the JBH.
The entire Justa Bunch of Heroes.
“JUST GET ‘EM, JBH!” Amazing Guy shouted their battle cry.
They charged in over the grass-covered hills, nineteen members strong. Almost every member of the JBH, with a few notable exceptions, flew, bounced or ran into action.
With seven Earths partially merged and time anomalies constantly allowing for some long departed friends to return, Amazing Guy was able to fill his team nicely with several former members. Something inside him whispered that this very well might be the last time the membership could ever swell this large.

Scott Brunsen, Amazing Guy, focused his Multiversal energy into a shovel and scooped several men away. The Golden Age Pigeonman swooped down with his mace and smashed two more men down.
“Our Al B. Harper and the Cody Harper of the Satireverse believe they almost have a lock on where the Cowled Criminal is located.” AG explained as he created a Multiversal powered giant rolling pin to smash a few B.A.L.D. agents into the ground.
“Good. I want to ‘talk’ to him about what his Plaid Wall did to my wife.” The classic pigeon themed hero was still numb inside and it showed.

Jackie Rabbit leaped over various Ass Raping Ninjas, and then performed a flawless mid air flip. She followed that with three strong kicks into the Ninjas, impossibly avoiding each one.
Her brother Jack flipped to land on his hands, kicked two Ninjas into the air, and then juggled them with his strong legs before tossing them into their oncoming comrades. “Be careful sis! There are a lot of these guys!”
“I know Jack.” She swiped the legs of two more.
Jack somersaulted then bounced off a group of five oriental fighters from the Sinister Oriental Stereotypes. “And they’re teamed up with these guys I just whomped! Guess it’s the Golden Age version of the Ass Raping Ninjas. The time paradoxes have given them a chance to merge.” He leaped into two more.
“I KNOW Jack.” She took out four more with a swift back kick.
“So be careful.”
“Yes Jack, I get it. Jeeze Bro! You don’t have to mother me. I’ve been doing the hero thing for a couple of years now.”
“Yeah, I know. Sorry sis.” Jack replied as he avoided getting hit, spun in mid air then kicked three more. He thought to himself, “But I do have to mother you Jackie! I’ve had several dreams of you dieing in this Crisis and I just can’t let that happen in real life!”
The lupine enhanced siblings’ conversation was not as private as they had thought, however. Two other heroes had their own thoughts on the subject.
Kid Produce listened in carefully as he threw several carrot knives into the oncoming Sinister Oriental Stereotype fighters. He then ducked an attack and dropped a piece of broccoli. It quickly grew into a thick tree, which tangled several Ass Raping Ninjas. While his did all this on reflex, his own thoughts filled his mind. “Why is Jack protecting Jackie? I mean he’s acting over cautious lately. Is it because their dad just died or does he know something?”
ZZZARRK!
The electronic sound and smell of burning ozone revealed a laser blast attack from Visionary 5 upon a nearby attacking HERPES assault drone. A regular member of the futuristic Lair Legion of Super Heroes, Vish 5 had also served with the JBH. Today he has once again joined his former comrades as he piloted a standard issue LLSH Armed Hover Platform. His thoughts also involved the rabbit heroes’ conversation. “He knows. The brother knows. Well maybe he’ll be able to change things. I know it’s dangerously wrong to contemplate such a chronological alteration of historic events but… I just do not think I could allow history to continue on course. I just wish the records were more accurate on the exact day and event that caused her… no! Don’t think like that! I’ll watch her! I’ll watch her and save her and then I’ll MAKE her love me! I have to!”
“Earth to Vishy, come in Vishy!”
“Huh? What? Oh, Phantom Ghost Girl. What do you require?”
His fellow LLSH member, also a long time member of the JBH, responded as she floated beside him, “I was asking you what you thought of fighting alongside the JBHers again?”
He continued to blow up enemy machines with an uninterested shrug. “It’s fabulous Tonya. Truly fabulous.”
She looked at him with a strange expression, “Oookey. Well stay awake. We need you focused.”
He eyed Jackie. “I am focused Tonya. You can be sure of that.”

“DIE SURFACE DWELLARS! DIE AND DIE AGAIN!”
ManMan ducked just as a smashed metal ball that was once a B.A.L.D. issue tank flew over his unprotected head.
Joe Pepper regained his senses and looked over at the fellow JBH member who had thrown the tank-ball into the HERPES attack vessel. “That big armored fish man is on our side, right Knifie?”
ManMan’s sentient blade responded, “Gold Fish was a founding member but since he’s an international undersea terrorist, the JBH usually consider him a threat. It just goes to show you how big the bad guys are if the JBH has called him back into service.”
“Man the JBH have had some weird members in the past.”
“They let you join them before Joe, what did you expect?”

One by one, the electromagnetic pulse arrows struck true. Each attacking B.A.L.D. and HERPES war machine stopped with a gear breaking halt.
“That’s seven more Rose! You’re up!” Trickshot called.
Desert Rose silently leaped over him and slashed her sentient scimitar through the machines. She then kicked and hit the men inside. They never stood a chance.
Trickshot did not stay to watch the action but instead he was already shooting down several attack flyers from both armed enemy forces. He did not want to sit still for very long because when he sat still he thought of the Earth of his birth and the fact that all communication has been cut off from it.
He imagined every attacking B.A.L.D. or HERPES craft as the real enemy behind his home world’s current danger. It was all he could do given the circumstances.

“So how is your father and your nation Little Guy? His name is Small Man, correct?” the Black Pantser asked the tiny hero as he kicked four Ass Raping Ninjas to the ground.
Little Guy struck a Ninja across the chin with his normal weight despite his six-inch size, “Suffering the effects of this Crisis like everyone else King T’Chaco. My dad is watching the Micro Place while I help things up here.”

Using the supreme super strength given to him by Earth’s sun, Victory crunched a HERPES war cannon like tin foil. The first hero from the now destroyed planet of Maxel used his heat vision to melt another. He should not be here. He was badly injured in a battle with Dark Thugos, sent into the Phantom No Parking Zone by Eggo the Living Waffle and retrieved thousands of years later by the Lair Legion of Super Heroes. In that future Victory goes by the name of Historic Von El.
This version, however, is younger. He’s from the days just prior to his downfall. When he helped form the JBH.
None of this matters right now though. He just continued to help his team and no one who knew any different would tell him otherwise.
The displays of his superb powers do strike a cord within one JBH member present.
Ham-Boy, almost a member and considered an honorary JBHer, watched Victory’s actions with awe. “I was almost on a team that had him for a member? Sheesh.”
Earth’s Meatiest Hero then ducked as Eli the Elemental took out a group of Ass Raping Ninjas who were trying to sneak up on him.

Horizon’s energy form zapped a platoon of HERPES soldiers. The Patriot jumped into group of soldiers and made short work of them.
“So Horizon, what’s with the energy form?” the patriotic hero and current resident of Earth RGA asked as he started to take out more assailants.
His fellow Earth RGA Native replied while he fired on more soldiers, “I went through an evolution during one of the JBH’s battles. I’m now a being of pure energy. How are things back home on our Earth?”
“Fine, fine. The team is doing well. We’ve been doing the usual. You know, putting the same bad guys in jail. Did you know that your father is alive?” The Patriot did not mean to drop the bombshell so frankly but he knew of no other way to say it.
Horizon paused, “What?”
“Yes. It just happened, during this crisis. For some reason your father, Dirk Kensington, the Golden Age Hero known as Sun Man who teamed with me for many years, is back. It’s like he was never killed in the first place.”
John Kensington, also known as Horizon, was stunned.

Erskine Blofish continued to shout orders to his B.A.L.D. underlings, “I WANT THOSE BATTLE TANKS REPAIRED! Shoot at Amazing Guy first! Stop getting pounded and fire back!”
The strange shape of M.O.D.E.M hovered behind him. “Why are you commanding my troops? Last I recall you were a dead man Blofish. Step aside and allow me to command my men. This is my organization now!”
Before the shocked former B.A.L.D. commander could reply, he and M.O.D.E.M both vanished.

A similar scene occurred at the HERPES field command center.
Count Wolfgang Fokker, long time head of HERPES, stared at the two noble youths with anger. “Vat do you mean I am no longer in command of HERPES?”
Hansel Fokker looked him back in the eye with defiance while his twin sister Greta looked bored. “We’re in command now old man. Please retire or we will deal with you proper.”
Wolfgang did not get the chance to teach the upstart youths a lesson as all three equally vanished.

As the battle raged on, the terrorist known as Gold Fish vanished as well. This was also true in the camp occupied by the combined forces of the Sinister Oriental Stereotypes and the Ass Raping Ninjas. Molestro the Mirthless, Madame Butterfly, Origami-San and Lodestone all disappeared without a trace.

While Jackie flipped into three somersaults then came down on two ninjas’ heads, she spoke up to the non-member youth who was zipping around at super speed. “So you go by the name Speedstreak huh? One of our missing members used to go by that name. He’s called Swift now.”
“Yes Ms. Rabbit. That’s my dad.”
Jackie’s expression froze.
“He doesn’t know I’m alive though. Would you be able to help me find him?”
“Well sure.” She took out three more fighters while Speedstreak II punched five more in rapid succession. “First we’ve got to rescue him from the Cowled Criminal.” She then thought, “I wish we could get to him. I’m worried he may be dead.”




AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH!
The screams of the dieing hero could be heard through out Paradopolis.
Michael Wooster breathed his last as the Spaced Fandom giggled with glee.
“YOU TORTURED HIM TO DEATH YOU BAS$%^!” John Swiftman, the beaten, bloody hero known as Swift yelled.
He was strapped, spread eagle, on a metal ‘X’ at the center of Paradopolis on the alternate earth called Earth Tricky.
“What? You thought we’d keep him alive?” Speedshark maliciously hissed as he took Wooster’s carcass out of his own metal ‘X’ and threw him on the ground. “He would not give into the brainwasshing! The masster commanded that he be killed. What do you care? He wass a native of thiss Earth and had no real potential.”
Swift’s face turned red as he looked at Wooster’s dead form lying there on the ground next to the dead body of Nats. Every day more people died at these monster’s hands while Speedshark and Spaced Fandom laughed and played.
“Bessssides, what else are we going to do? We’re ssstill waiting for the Cowled Criminal to move the captured Yo and our fellow sservantss to thiss burned out Earth. Thiss hellhole will make the besst new basse! We might asss well do sssomething with our time. That Retcon Raider iss bussy with hiss new bomb so that jusst leavess the Fandom and I to entertain ourselvesss.”
“I’ll break these shackles you filth! I’ll break free and kill you both!”
WACK
The simple super speed slap that Speedshark gave him left three long scars across Swift’s face. Blood flowed freely down his face.
“No. You’ll die. When the masster demandss it, you’ll ssimply die. The masster wantss you to watch the remaining Earthss die. After that happenss he hass promissed me I’ll be able to do with you whatever I pleasse. Come, Fandom. Letss ssee how our new recruitss are doing.”
The villains departed while John hung his head. He had been trapped in places just as bad as this one. He would get out or die trying.



On Earth Tricky, Lair Island was deserted for centuries.
The League of Regulars had always used a mansion across the street from Off Center Park. Even after Narrator had killed most of the team and Hatman had reformed with newer heroes, they remained in the mansion.
Now the mansion was permanently destroyed, Hatman’s entire team (now renamed the Lair Legion) was all slaughtered and the hero himself, along with this Earth’s version of the Juniors, were brainwashed into service.

As for the uninhabited Parody Island, a new structure rested atop it now.
“IT’S FINISHED! When that tear in reality opened years ago and I fell in along with my Time Bomb, I had no idea the Cowled Criminal was waiting on the other side.” The Retcon Raider said to the five figures that stood in shadow.
The Raider’s mask was off and the red bearded face of comic book creator John Byrne grinned maliciously. “The Cowled Criminal provided the parts so that I could improve my Time Bomb! Now, after six months of hard work, it’s finally finished! When this baby explodes, all seven Earths will go out! If I destroy those worlds, the Criminal will give me my own! Imagine! A universe done in MY image!”

Honestly terrified eyes watched Byrne’s rant.
Tom Irving is Amazing Guy. A native of this Earth, Tom has spent the last few years trying to use his powers to make Earth Tricky a better place. Lately he has not been doing a very good job.
Until recently, Tom found himself strangely connected to the Parodyverse Amazing Guy. They had switched places on numerous occasions and had even pooled their resources to help both their Earths during the current crisis. Now Tom has found himself wishing that other AG were here.
Possessing any five abilities he can think of, Tom used a healing ability to heal his broken limbs. While he was healing, he used the ability to shrink and fly to follow Byrne into this building.
Still half the size of a penny, Tom continued to watch.
“Dancer suffered in ways no one should. I couldn’t do a damn thing about it until it was too late, but I swore I would avenge her. First I’ll probe Retcon Raider’s mind for the bomb’s weakness…”
Tom used his telepathy to read the mad comic creator’s mind. “No! He made sure it was booby-trapped against the life signatures of any one from this Earth! He must’ve been worried that someone local, like me, would try something.” He probed further until he slumped back in defeat. “It can’t be stopped. That just leaves one way to salvage the seven universes. It’s horrible but I have no other choice. Well, time to get this party started. It’s obvious there wont be any Calvary coming from the other Earths.”
BAMF!

Swift awoke to the smell of brimstone as Tom teleported to him ala Nightcrawler. He used his super human strength to break Swift free.
John collapsed into Tom’s arms.
“Come on JBHer. Wakey wakey!”
A brain dead woman shouted, “THE PRISONER IS FREE! ALARM! ALARM! THE PRISONER IS FREE!” Soon more mind wiped citizens joined the chorus. Tom made a decision and vaporized them.
“You killed them!” John sped out of Tom’s arms and stood, gawking at the beat up hero. “How could you? They’re just under the control of the bad guys!”
“No. They’ve been reprocessed into service drones for the Cowled Criminal. They’re nothing more then bags of flesh that do his bidding.”
“You can’t be sure of that!” Tom blasted images into John’s mind with his telepathy.
“Uggh! Get out of my head!” Tom did.
As John rubbed his temples, he replied, “So that’s what they’re doing? How do we stop it?”
“You don’t, fool!” Speedshark slashed at Swift’s chest and then zoomed out of reach. “Did you think we didn’t know you were still free, Amazing Guy? We just were waiting until you tried something! Let me introduce you to the new subservient Hatman and his Junior Lair Legion!”
Right away Tom realized these were the shadowy figures the Retcon Raider was talking to earlier. They charged forward; Hatman, Flameheart (Kerry Shepherdson), Captain Courageous, All-Transparent Man (Ben Hermes) and Liu Xi Xian. All of them were mindless followers and still very deadly.

First came the invisible knives thrown with amazing accuracy. On this Earth, Ben Hermes had dedicated his life to being the hero his long deceased brother was. He mastered his invisibility as well as learned to fight with expert skill. The seven knives stabbed Tom’s chest very quickly.
John had sped out of the way but a gale force wind created by Liu Xi slammed him into a wall. The earth then rose up and entombed the speedster.
While Tom’s body healed, he used fire creation abilities to engulf All-Transparent Man in flames. The ex-hero was too mind wiped to even scream and instead dropped to his knees to roast to death. No one cared to even save him.

Tom used super speed to dodge Flameheart’s fire but both Captain Courageous and Hatman quickly tackled him. He punched the British born Courageous to the ground and then took another hit by Hatman. The capped crusader was wearing his San Francisco Steelers cap so his body was made of organic steel.
“I could become steel too but there just isn’t time to play nice anymore, Jay.” He caught Jay’s fist with super speed. “Good bye, my friend.” Tom changed Jay’s molecular structure to glass then with his other hand, he shattered his old friend to pieces.
He did it in such a way as to make sure some of the glass penetrated Liu Xi Xian’s back and head.
The young elementalist fell to the ground as her earth mound started to melt. Swift vibrated out and witnessed the horror.
His friend Tom had just finished phasing Captain Courageous into the solid ground. The teen died instantly.

“How can you live with yourself?”
“Why should I?” Tom shot back. “Speedshark killed my wife to get to me!” He flew up into the air just as the villain sped behind him.
Tom’s eyes burned red with heat. “You know what, Swift? This feels pretty good! I’ve got any power I can think of. Why have I held back for so long?”
Before Amazing Guy could unleash his heat vision, John shouted out. “WAIT!”
Speedshark took off. His looked terrified.
“What?”
“Look, I know where you’re coming from.”
“No, you don’t! We’ve got to use lethal force with these guys!” John was surprised as Tom picked him up with his telekinetic ability and moved him to the right. Two large blasts of fire passed through where John had been standing.

He looked back and saw Kerry Shepherdson and Liu Xi Xian preparing more fire. “Get after Speedshark and stop that bomb! I’ll take these two!”
Swift sped towards the direction he saw Speedshark go. All the while knowing two more deaths would be on Tom’s conscious.
Amazing Guy looked back at the girls. Their fire had no effect on him so he simply landed on the ground. He walked towards them with confidence on the outside but on the inside, he had doubts.
“Swift is right. I shouldn’t have killed them all.”
Kerry, forever mindless, grabbed Tom and ignited. The bodies and shards of glass Hatman nearby were vaporized. Within a mile radius, everything was consumed except Liu Xi. Despite her deep wounds, the Chinese teen had instinctively used the void to protect herself.
Tom looked down at Kerry while she continued. He was untouched. “I should let you live but there really is only one solution to stop that bomb. I’m sorry.”
He froze Kerry solid.
Liu Xi continued the attack. The top half of Kerry was melted away as a blast of heat hit Tom. The heat quickly turned to below freezing temperatures as Liu Xi changed tactics.
Tom staggered at the assault.
“You wont kill me like you did them!” Liu Xi warned.
Tom looked at her in shock. “You’re not mind controlled?”
“The Cowled Criminal is my friend. All those you’ve killed today were my friends! I wasn’t fast enough to stop you before but I wont let you kill anymore now!”
“But… I can’t just kill you! You’re not brain dead like the others!” Tom could feel something expanding within his head. “You’re… you’re using the void! You’re ex… expanding it… within…” Tom had no choice. One life for the billions of those seven universes. His hands erupted in energy and before his teen attacker could do further damage he vaporized her.
Tom dropped to the floor as the void in his head vanished.



John Swiftman ran as fast as he could. Behind him, the Cowled Criminal’s servant, Speedshark, was gaining ground. John leapt over rubble, ran up buildings and sped over water. Each time he tried to lose his pursuer, the monster just got closer.
“There is only one was to stop him.” John thought. He felt a bitter sting as the many fresh cuts his opponent gave him felt the wind burn of John’s current speed. “This is a one way deal. Him or me.”
John moved even faster. He focused on achieving almost ultimate speed. He didn’t want to cross that threshold because he was still needed here. All he needed to do was briefly lose Speedshark.
He got his wish. One moment his awful double was gnashing his razor-sharp teeth just behind him, the next moment John had lost Speedshark in a blur of light. “I’d better time this perfectly. I can’t enter the Speedfarce yet. I still need to accomplish Amazing Guy’s mission!”
In his strange light after image form, John grabbed as much steel wire as he could find. He then tied it to two steel beams at an old construction site. He then sped back to a spot directly in front of Speedshark and slowed to the impossible swiftness he had normally attained.
“Where did you go, Sssswift?” The villain asked. “No matter. I’ll ssstill be able to AKK…”
John ducked the wire at the last possible second but Speedshark ran through it. With a nasty sound, the wire sliced Speedshark’s head clean off.
John stopped to catch his breath while the villain’s decapitated body crashed to the ground. He did not have much time to wait, however, as a strange energy affect lit up downtown. He took off to see what was the cause. Fear gripped him with the view of the event.
The Cowled Criminal stood at the center of the power effect. His servant, the Spaced Fandom, crouched behind. “This Earth was to be my new base! How dare you oppose me?”
Amazing Guy was hovering in the air. A mix of quantum, solar, magnetic and emerald energy blazed around him. “Yes, we dare! You’ve killed millions! You’ve raped my Earth! No more!”
Tom shot out all four kinds of energy at the Criminal but it had no affect. The villain retaliated with some sort of energy of his very own. It engulfed Amazing Guy, blackening his torn costume and scorching his blonde hair. The hero dropped.
It was Swift’s turn. John sped around the Criminal. He created a vortex which cut off all air supply. Tom amazingly started to lift himself to his feet. His healing powers were working overtime but Swift was buying him a chance.
An explosion marked the end of that chance as the Cowled Criminal, unaffected by the loss of oxygen, sent Swift into a brick wall. “These small fools will die for all they have done! Spaced Fandom!”
The creep moved close to the ground. “Yesss, master… er… er?”
“Ready the Chamber of Power for transport back to the main base! Tell that fool, Byrne to arm the bomb! It’s time to destroy the seven Earths from this location!”
“Yesss!” the Spaced Fandom ran off.
“STOP HIM, SWIFT!” Tom commanded as he cannonballed into the Criminal. The two men started to wrestle; deadly energy flowed back and forth. John looked to the spot where Spaced Fandom was but the creature had disappeared.
AG started to grow to gigantic size but the Criminal blew off Tom’s left leg. While the hero was in great pain he dropped to the ground, returned to normal size. He then sent a nova blast into the Cowled Criminal. The villain dispersed it.
Swift had seen enough. He started to blanket the villain with a thousand punches. The Criminal caught the speedster and smashed him into the hard pavement.
While both men lied there, stunned, the crimson dressed villain laughed. “Don’t you get it? I’m the Hooded Hood’s son! I’ve got the cunning and desire to claim anything I want! I’m using the full power those artifacts have given me to make myself the most powerful being, ever! I desire the destruction of everything and I always get what I want! With this power running though me, both of you are like dust to me! In fact…” he charged up his hands with lethal energy, “That’s just what you will become!”

With a strange flash of light, a large, green, bruised, torn, bleeding mess of a dragon appeared out of nowhere. Dragonia, last seen about to kill John Swiftman with her fire breath, appeared in all her angry, bloody glory. The fire she meant for John, years ago, went forth and fried the Cowled Criminal’s crimson robe.
The villain screamed, then quickly opened a portal. Dragonia is sent to the Parodyverse Main Earth, far away from the battle. This strange distraction was all Tom Irving needed.
“Swift! Get to the weapon, NOW! Do what we agreed!” With the last bit of will power, Tom flew into the smoldering Criminal and pounded at him with full super strength. He started hitting the villain with as many powers as possible. It was a fantastic show of force.
John, still stunned at the sudden appearance and disappearance of Dragonia, tore off towards the building that housed the bomb. “It was her! Just like I remember her! She killed Rachael and I beat her within an inch of her life. Then it was her turn. She was about to blast me with her fire but she disappeared! Now I know where!”
John arrived on a platform, overlooking the large bomb. The mental words of Tom’s earlier telepathic message returned to his thoughts. “The bomb’s explosion could be limited to this universe if something could just contain the blast to this universe. Billions would die but untold more could still live.”
“Well then, I suppose it’s time.” Swift sped down towards the Retcon Raider with a vengeance.
“What? NO! GET AWAY!”
TWACK!
“That’s for all the times I had to listen to Scott complain about your comics!”
Swift then entered the bomb’s casing with a speed trail lagging behind. He stopped a moment to take in the shear size of he thing. “Holy . . .! All right then. Time to do your stuff, Johnny-boy.” He started to race within the bomb.




Dragonia snarled as she stood on a wind swept hill in the Parodyverse Switzerland. She looked around at her new surroundings. “Where am I? Earth? I’m free of that miserable dimension? AT LAST! Now I can hide and . . .”
The teleportation beam picked her right up.
When next she appeared, she saw many villains gathered. There was Velcro Vixen, Turbo Treesloth, Krotch, the Stapler, Tanaka Hitler, the Widget (complete with her twelve flying spheres), Blast Zone, Brokenface, Hellfrasier, Genetwist, Pain Hook, Razorbarb, Royale, Manseed and towering over them, the giant, clear, human-refuse container that walks known as Draino.
“Where am I now?”
Count Armageddon smiled from the strange balcony he shared with his new ally, Brainattack, “Welcome to our gathering! I promise you won’t be disappointed!”





Tom Irving was born on this Earth. He was on his way to college when the Lurker arranged for him to swap Earths and become tangled into Scott Brunsen’s origin. This gave him the ability to produce any powers he could think of. Tom Irving became the first Amazing Guy. He used those powers to briefly protect the Parodyverse, then for the last several years, he used them for his own Earth.
Tom was lying on his back now. His arms and legs were gone and the stumps where they used to be were fused. His costume now consisted of a rag over his gentiles and his hair was all burnt off.
Still he fought. Using his painful mind, he concentrated on pouring as much cosmic energy into the tired Cowled Criminal. He was breathing his last.
Then, suddenly he stopped. He just did not have anything else to give. In his mind he thought two last words. “Good bye.”
The Criminal smiled, then he opened a portal. “No. Not yet, hero. You’re going to provide my warning to your friends. Say ‘hello’ for me instead.” Tom Irving vanished to the Neververse.



John Swiftman was a dead man. He knew this. As he used his considerable speed to race around the weapon, he felt his body age. Still, despite the fact that his body was quickly dissolving, he was locked into the Speed Farce. He couldn’t stop.
“Faster! I can hear the bomb clicking down! I’ve got to go faster!”
His vision started to do strange things. The air around him changed. The streaks of light that he seemed to pass by transformed.
“What . . . ? I don’t understand?”
A figure seemed to be standing in front of him, yet the figure wasn’t there. “Isn’t that the Crying Clown?” John thinks.
“What? You’re that JBH guy, Swift. Paradopolis is your jurisdiction Swifty. No fair coming here!”
John then sees the Dark Knight. “Shut up Clown! Swift, what’s wrong?”
John quickly speaks, “The Dark Knight? What are you doing here? Never mind! Tell the JBH…” The Knight vanished, to be replaced by other people he knew.
“Jackie? Jasper? Help!” The pain was too much. John reached out to grab one of his friends.
Jasper reaches out but Jackie stopped him.
“HEEEEEELLP MEEEE!” John called out to his friends before they, too, vanished. His body was dissolving even faster.
Then another figure appeared. It was a young boy, dressed in a costume similar to John’s old Speedstreak uniform. The kid was talking to someone. “My father died on another Earth to save the universe. I’m here to honor him and my mother. She never got a chance to tell him about me. What? Dad? Is that you?”
“I have a son?” John reached out but no more images appeared before him. Tears flowed freely down his painful cheeks.
The bomb finished it’s countdown and exploded. As John dissolved into bones, then ash, one name could be heard.
“RACHAEL!”
Everything went white for John. At first, he could hear a voice he hadn’t heard in a long time. “Go in peace kid. You don’t need to enter the Speed Farce. You’ve earned your true rest.” He knew it was the Golden Age hero known as Fast Service whom he had met briefly in the Speed Farce.

Then he knew he was elsewhere. He was no longer running, but instead he seemed to be floating. He looked at his body and realized he was wearing a white sheet. There was an incredible feeling of peace all about him. He felt love radiating from everywhere.
John then realized he was in a dark tunnel, floating quickly towards a light. All he knew was he had to enter that place. He craved entrance!
As he arrived at the light, everything around him was brighter then what the sun had always appeared like. There was a female shape that held out her arms, and he knew right away, who it was.
“Rachael!”
“Oh my love. Welcome home.”



“Unlock the vibrations on the Chamber of Power! Let it travel to the main base!”
“At once, master . . . er . . .er!”
The Space Fandom did as the Cowled Criminal commanded while he clutched Swift’s empty costume.
“I will have my revenge!”
As they disappeared, Earth Tricky and it’s entire universe went up with a blazing light. The explosion was contained to only this universe, thanks to the efforts of one man.

Jonathan Swiftman
A hero known as Swift



To be continued as two more members of my cast dies. If you think this death was big time, wait till next issue. We finally resolve plot points that have gone on for too long. The ultimate sacrifice is paid while many honor the fallen. A funeral and decisions.

Out when I can. Thank you for your patients.








One Thing Leads To Another Footnotes






ACRONYMS ATTACK NOTE:
HERPES,
From the Who's Who in the Parodyverse? Version 13.2 by HH accessed here.




HERPES (the Hero Elimination Revenge Project Extermination Squad), a bucket-headed band of high-tech criminals who dream of a secret world empire. Their motto is, "Hail HERPES! Apply Penicillin and another rash shall come forth within six weeks!" they are led by Count Wolfgang Fokker, a monocle-wearing Teutonic villain.

B.A.L.D., formerly the power-base of the late Erskine Blofish (q.v.) is now becoming the illegal super-weapons supplier for the entire Parodyverse criminal underworld. It is rumoured that they have some strange Machine Organism Designed for Exterminating Meddlers (M.O.D.E.M.) in charge now.

Also, here is info on the Sinister Oriental Stereotypes and Ass Raping Ninjas from Kirk…


Back during World War II, much like most other superhero comic book universes, the Parodyverse had its own collection of "yellow peril" supervillains, whose characters amounted to little more than racist portrayals of the Japanese and other Asians. And as in the Marvel Universe, where Magneto's brotherhood of evil mutants actually called themselves "the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants," the sinister Oriental stereotypes of the Parodyverse actually called themselves "the Sinister Oriental Stereotypes." Molestro the Mirthless was their leader, and as you might be able to guess from his name, he's pretty much a direct lift of the personalities of bad guys like Ming the Merciless, except that Ming was occasionally worthwhile as an enemy, while Molestro pretty much just flat-out sucked. This was the group that was the direct predecessor to the Ass-Raping Ninjas Student Loan Collection Agency, and although Molestro has been gone for a while, his legacy of incompetence continues to haunt the Ass-Raping Ninjas.

As for the Ass-Raping Ninjas themselves, their uber-boss is Lionel, Lord Lodestone (a.k.a. the Viceroy of Vice), head of the Entropy Enterprises corporation. Lodestone's Touch of Temptation can cause people to give in to their darkest desires, when he makes skin-to-skin contact with them (don't shake his hand without wearing a glove). His personality is kind of an effete British Kingpin, complete with the morbid obesity, except that he has hair and is way more depraved. Although suspected of criminal wrongdoing, and arrested when he was much younger for being an actual costume-wearing super villain, his current operations all appear to be technically legal, albeit extremely sleazy. However, his businesses merely serve as a front for his criminal empire, of which the Ass-Raping Ninjas are one part. The day-to-day activities of the Ass-Raping Ninjas are run by Otomo Osamu (first name is the family name in Japanese, remember), the super villain known as Origami-San. Otomo is Lodestone's illegitimate son (hence, the different family name) by a Japanese woman, and his special abilities include an unerring sense of aim and a tremendous skill at paper-folding (hence, his supervillain code name). In short, he's kind of like what Bullseye would be, if he was half-Asian and used things like paper cranes to kill people. Otomo has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about being Lodestone's less-favored son (Drugo Lodestone, his other son, was killed in Untold Tales), but the fact remains, Otomo still performs his duties for his father well enough that he's easily the most effective member of the Ass-Raping Ninjas.





HORIZON EVOLUTION NOTE:
Horizon was transformed into his current energy state in JBH #15, Silverware and demons.





LET’S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN NOTE:
The Retcon Raider tried to destroy the entire Parodyverse and reboot it into one of his momentarily popular yet ultimately continuity hurting timelines with his Time Bomb in Access & Humdinger, Hide & Seek Part 3





WHAT A TWISTED MESS I’VE MADE NOTE:
Ok, here we go. Dragonia/Swift flow cart time!
Way back when I wrote a Lair Legion story. I was one of my first stories here.
* John and Dragonia’s first appearance, waaay back in Amazing Tales # 3
I said that Dragonia was Fin Fang Foom’s lost lover. I had no idea Andy did not want any of that.
part 2 in Amazing Tales # 4
Here’s the last part.
Last time we saw Dragonia, part 3 in Amazing Tales # 5

So, I hatched a plan. A wonderful plan that tied into this Crisis series perfectly. That plan could be seen in this story…
Swift: Escape Velocity #4, also reposted further down on the board.
I told you guys those reposts were important.

See, once there was an alternate Earth. On it the humans rose up and took over all the other aliens who lived on their planet. They brainwashed those nasty aliens and stole their tech. They even found a way to purge everything, well, alien about those nasty aliens. Then the people of Earth lived happily ever after. At least until the Crisis. In Crisis #1 we see it get destroyed.

But BEFORE that, Andrew and Ziles Dean had two children. They had a 16 year old daughter whom discovered she could turn into a dragon like her father and had the invisibility and telepathy of her mother. They did what any good parents would do. They turned her in to the state. A portal opened up, however and sent her to the Parodyverse. That’s where we see her in Amazing Tales 3-5.
Her baby brother never knew he had a sister and now, as the adult Greg Dean, still doesn’t.

After a little while, that girl got lost in another portal (thanks to the Lurker) and wound up in the same hostile sub-dimension that Swift lived in. She was there for 80 years and her mind went insane. She ate a lot of people, including alternate versions of the Lair Legion. She even ate Swift’s wife. John hates her with a deep passion. He was about to be killed by her but the Lurker teleported her into this story.
And that brings her up to speed.


GOOD BYE JOHN NOTE:
John Swiftman, aka Swift, went through time on his way to the afterlife. We saw his sudden appearances in Crisis on Infinite Parodyverse # 4,5 and in a future issue.

I created John as the PV Impulse. He was simply to battle CSFB in that three part story mentioned above. The character grew on me and I thought of great things I could do to him. I sent him into that dimension with the same idea that Claremont used for Colossus’ little sister Illianna. I’d have him grow up there and have an interesting time of it. Only when he would emerge, he would be jaded and scared. I quickly discovered, however, that his attitude was really just another Trickshot.
Still, he was able to gain interest as he related with the other heroes in the JBH.

The PV has always been and continues to be a wonderful training ground for me. If I could do things over, it would have been to resolve plots sooner. Maybe if I had a set period to solve things, it would have been better? Anyway, what’s done is done.

Swift got his name from the trucking company my friend Willard worked for. I knew all along that this was to be where he died. Yes, he’s dead. Not comic dead. I even gave him the death experience that so many experienced in real life. But unlike those with NDEs (Near Death Experiences), John will not be returning.
Will I write more about his son? I don’t know. My desires have changed quite a bit in the last two years.

At any rate, good bye John Swiftman. It was a fun ride.






This story is written and copyrighted (C) 2006 by Scott Bryan (also known as AG), and may not be
reprinted without permission. Annabelle, Roland, Anthony Foresight, Sunset Sal, Amazing Guy, Justin Time, Jack Rabbit, Jackie Rabbit, Desert Rose, Eli the Elemental, Kid Produce, Scott Brunsen, Tom Irving, the JBH, Amazing Bunch, Champion Battalion, Alpha Prime, Blackbird, Mongoose, Fabric, Tyranus, Solarflare, Elastic Woman, Golden Giant, Madam Liberty, Squirrel,
Starglow, Archer, Vindicators, TK, Animaila, Power Urge, Harmony, Ally Cat, Captain Crimson, Blue Jewel, Equindox, Amazing Boy and Moonlord all are properties of Scott Bryan and AG.



a.g.
Amazing Guy









Scott’s Site! Featuring Caption the Pic (where action figures talk!) and Amazing Tales on the Web (stories and micros of the Parodyverse!).






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